Define Love to a Hatter For Me
by NicoleGoldstein13
Summary: I should have stayed but I lost my head. I should have stayed but I lost myself- Alice/Mad Hatter;;; This story is back & alive!
1. Never Coming Back

_**Never Coming Back

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**_

_"Will this take me home?" I asked._

_"If that is what you choose," said the Queen._

_I lifted the vial, but stopped as the Hatter put his hand on mine._

_"You could stay," he said, his gaze warm and full of promise._

_"What an idea," I said softly. "A crazy, mad, wonderful idea." I looked around at all the strange and wonderful beings I had met in this wonderfully strange place. I imagined what it would be like to stay-to talk to animals every day, to ride the Bandersnatch and explore Underland, to dance the Futterwacken with the Hatter whenever I chose. _

_But thoughts of my mother and sister and unfinished business intruded, and I knew I could not stay … at least, not now._

_"But I can't," I said to the Hatter, taking his hand. "There are questions I have to answer. Things I have to do."_

_I poured the Jabberwocky blood into my mouth. "I'll be back again before you know it," I promised the Hatter._

_"You won't remember me." _

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I sat up, and covered my face with my hands. I had no idea how long I had been crying, or how much sleep I had gotten.

"Hatter … I miss you." I whispered to the room. There was no one to hear me, and no one to comfort me. I slowly got up from my bed and walked over to my window. Opening the curtains, I stared at the moon, lightly tracing the shape on the glass. There had to be a way back to my true home, and I would find a way back to it.

I was lost in the memories of my Underland when Dinah rubbed her tiny body against me, purring. I glanced down, smiling, and picked her up. She immediately started to purr louder. Long gone were the days of being a kitten, and yet she still seemed to be one.

"Oh Dinah, did you ever see this day coming? Oh, don't purr at me! Answer me! I know you used to be able to talk. I swear I've heard you before!" I talked at Dinah, who only continued to purr in contentment.

"Anyways, I simply must tell you about the Hatter! He was so handsome. Orange hair, lovely emerald eyes… Oh. He was simply marvelous, Dinah!" I closed my eyes, recalling just how perfect the Hatter's eyes truly were. They reflected just how full of life he was… How much love he had for everything he cared about.

"Oh, but then I left! I just left him, Dinah! Without even a proper explanation! Oh, Dinah. I broke not only my heart, but his as well." I trembled as the tears came back. I slowly sunk to the cold wooden floor and leaned against the wall.

"And I promised him I would come back! But then I went to China… And when I came back… Mother… Oh, mother… Well, you know what happened to her, Dinah. And then Margaret's idiot husband cheated on her once more, and I told her, and I had to comfort her…" I sobbed out the story, unnecessarily, to Dinah. But I couldn't stop. I needed to talk to someone.

"Oh, Dinah! I wish you were like Mallymkun! She, at least, would stop the Hatter when he would ramble! You just let me babble!" I pointed out to her. Dinah must not have liked that, because she stopped purring.

"I'm sorry, Dinah. I shouldn't have been rude to you. It's just getting harder to be… Polite when I don't want to be here. I wonder just how to get back to my family in Underland… Do you know? You must! You just refuse to let me know the secret! Am I right? Oh, I must be! Hm. Let me see… I got to Underland by a rabbit hole twice, correct? And once through the looking glass… Maybe if I go back to the Ascot's garden, I could go back down their rabbit hole!" I exclaimed to Dinah. I picked her up, and kissed her on the nose.

"You are a genius, Dinah! Let's go now!" I shouted and scrambling to stand up with Dinah still in my hands. Once I finally got up from the floor, I put Dinah gently on my bed and started to look around the room. I went over to my wardrobe, to see which dress I would like to wear. There weren't too many choices to choose from, I noticed. After a while, I decided on a blue dress that looked like the one I had worn on my last trip to Underland. I grabbed a good pair of black flats, perfect to run around in. I decided there was nothing really worth to keep with me, except mother's locket and my parent's wedding rings. Mother had given me both rings before she passed on. I slipped these onto the chain of mother's locket. Other than that… There wasn't much I wanted to remember of life up here.

But there was Margaret to consider, and I couldn't leave her without some form of explanation. So I grabbed a piece of parchment and wrote her a letter. After I finished, I put it on my desk, hoping Margaret would be able to find it soon.

"Dinah, let's go to the Ascot's at this hour, shall we?" I picked her up. Dinah mewed quite happily, so I took this as a yes. With that, I walked down the stairs for the last time and out the door. I locked the front door and slipped the key under the mat.

"Goodbye old home. I'll miss you. But I won't be back. I'm sorry. The Hatter is waiting for me, and I must go to him." I whispered to the door frame. I placed a kiss on the nearest window and made my way to the stables behind the mansion. I opened the doors to see all of our horses sleeping, as they should be. I gently woke up my favorite mare, Star.

"Star! I need you to take me to the Ascot's. Do you remember the way to go girl?" I softly asked Star. I felt her nod against my hand.

"Thank you Star. Let's get you some hay and water, while I get a saddle on you." I patted her gently. Dinah had taken it upon herself to make sure the other animals were sleeping while I conversed with Star.

"Oh, Dinah, thank you!" I tickled my cat and she purred quietly.

After a while, I had gotten Star fed and prepared for the ride, I led her and Dinah out of the barn.

"Alright, Dinah and Star, we're on our way to Underland!" I shouted to the night air.

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A/N: Yes, I realize that I did delete this & then upload it once more. But I felt like this story deserved a second chance & a new start. It was neglected for a year (a year where A LOT of bad things happened, and I couldn't be on this.) and I didn't have any inspiration for it. But now I do. So chillax peeps and just go with it:)


	2. So Close, and Not So Far

_**So Close, and Not So Far

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**_

"Come now, Dinah! Don't make such a fuss! You'll be perfectly fine in my arms while we ride Star, I promise. She is a very calm horse, and isn't spooked easily. That's a girl, you'll be just fine." I whispered to Dinah as she willingly got into my grasp. I put Dinah onto Star's back, and hoisted myself onto the saddle.

"All right Star, let's go to the Ascot's!" I whispered, squeezing my legs together to get Star to walk. Star responded and started to walk leisurely away from our home. Dinah must've understood what was happening, because she suddenly started to squirm out of my hands and climbed onto my shoulders. Dinah mewed sadly and continued to look at our mansion for the last time.

"Oh, Dinah! I know this is hard to leave, but soon we'll be in our true home! You're going to love Underland! Don't look so sad, my dear cat! There's a cat in Underland! You won't be alone. Cheshire is wonderful! He grins a lot though …" I drifted off into my own thoughts, reliving more of the wonderful past.

Time must've passed quickly while I was visiting my memories, because suddenly Dinah was pawing at me and mewing loudly. I pinched my arm because without me realizing it, Star had gotten us to the Ascot's garden.

"Oh, Star! You are magnificent! Marvelous! … Oh dear. I'm starting to become a little too much like the Hatter, Dinah! But never mind. Let's go find the Ascot's barn." I hopped off of Star. I put Dinah onto the saddle I had just vacated and grabbed the reins to lead Star to the barn. It wasn't as well kept as ours was… But I was sure Star could be happy here. One could only hope.

In what seemed like no time at all, we arrived at the barn. Star obviously knew what was going to happen next, because she nickered and shook her head at me.

"Oh, Star. You are the best horse **anyone** could ever have. I love you Star. You know that. I shouldn't have to tell you!" I wrapped my arms around her neck for a few moments. After Star and I both accepted what was happening, I took her reins and tied her next to the barn.

"I'm positive someone will be here in a few hours to check on the animals… Just wait patiently, Star. Remember I love you. Don't ever forget me or Dinah." I placed a kiss on her forehead. I slowly walked over to Star's saddle and gently picked Dinah up. I set Dinah on the ground, and removed the saddle from Star. As I was doing this, I saw from the corner of my eye, Dinah had started to rub herself against Star's leg. This was her goodbye to Star, I realized.

"Come now, Dinah. We have places to be, and Star understands that we will always love her, no matter where we are." I started to make my way to the tree where I last visited Underland two years ago. Dinah quickly followed me.

"Dinah, you really will love it in Underland! I promise! Oh! But you should be warned… Last time I fell down the rabbit hole, I fell quite fast. Just a warning." I laughed softly as I remembered the fall. Nothing to stop me… It was madness, and I looked forward to it. The thought of the fall kept me jubilant and made me walk faster. Poor Dinah! She was struggling to keep up with me. I had forgotten what it was like to have short legs. I paused in my almost run, and waited for dear Dinah to catch up with me.

"I'm sorry Dinah! I suppose I should've carried you in the first place… Oh well. We're here now! Don't worry! I'll hold you the entire time!" I promised as Dinah mewed nervously. Even though she was terribly afraid, Dinah let me pick her up. I tucked her between my arms, and jumped willingly down the rabbit hole.

"Geronimo!" I screamed as soon as my feet left the world I had lived on for twenty-one years and into my true home. Where the other half of my heart lived. I grinned and looked around at the walls.

"Dinah! The walls haven't changed!" I shouted as we continued to fall. It was true; the paintings were still hung crookedly and the bookshelves didn't hold much books. I couldn't reach out to touch anything because I was so worried about Dinah. The fall didn't last long, and when it ended, I crashed against the floor.

"Oh, Dinah! Are you okay?" I shouted as I sat up, untangling my arms, only to reveal a perfectly… Snoozing Dinah.

"You have got to be kidding me." I murmured, annoyed that she fell asleep during the life-changing fall. I gently shook her awake. Dinah let out a yawn and started to content herself by licking her paws.

"Amazing, Dinah. You must be even more mad than myself! Never mind that though! We are so close to Underland!" I exclaimed, jumping to my feet. I quickly made my way to the glass table, grabbed the key, and ran to the other side of the darkened room. I knew to ignore the normal sized doors, and pull the curtain aside. I bent down and placed the key into the six inch high door. It unlocked easily, just as if it was a brand new door. I could see the gardens ahead, and the bright blue sky.

"Oh, Dinah! Come here! You should be able to go through the door easily!" Dinah walked over to my call.

"Don't fret, Dinah! Just go through the door… Yes, that's right. You're such a clever cat! Now wait right there. I just need to grab the Upelkuchen and pishalver and I'll be right with you, Dinah!" I backed away from the door, and turned away from Dinah. I grabbed the pishalver from the table, made doubly sure I had the key with me, and bent down to pick up the Upelkuchen from underneath the glass table. Then I sprinted back to the doorway. It had closed in my absence, and I hoped Dinah had listened to me. I bent down to put the key in the lock, and quickly turned it. I opened the door to see Dinah anxiously pacing.

"Oh Dinah! I'm coming right in!" I yelled to my darling cat to calm her down. It worked immediately; she froze in her tracks . I pulled the cork out of the tiny bottle and swallowed a tiny mouthful. The disgusting taste and the world spinning was all that I could think of while I shrunk.

I was surrounded my dress and couldn't see anything. I took a very small bite of the Upelkuchen, hoping to become at least an inch higher… When I finally found my way out of my dress, I noticed I wasn't in the room of doors, but in Underland. I looked around until I found Dinah sitting above me, part of my dress in her mouth.

"Dinah! Thank you, you darling cat! You fit in here! Just as much as me!" I squealed, trying to get free of my dress. Dinah mewed angrily, and pointed her nose to the bottle and cake in my hands.

"Of course, Dinah! The Upelkunchen and pishalven!" I exclaimed, taking a bite and a drink at the same time. I closed my eyes, and let the potions work their magic. When I opened my eyes, I looked around at all the wonderful flowers, and all the bread-and-butter-flies flying all about. I felt like me, like the right Alice at the perfect height. Dinah purred against my leg.

"Dinah! We're home!" I yelled quite loudly to the sky. Dinah mewed along with me. And I felt almost whole. Just one thing, no, person, that I needed to find now. I picked Dinah up, and ran down the hill, only to get a butterfly in my face.

"Oh! Forgive me! I didn't mean to crash into you, sir! Or is it madam? Either way, I assure you that I didn't mean to! …."

"Stupid girl! Surely you recognize me!" A very familiar deep voice shouted at me. I looked up to see a small _blue _butterfly flapping its wings in front of my face. The name came to me very easily.

"Oh! Absolem! It's been so long!" I shrieked.

"Yes it has. But you're not hardly Alice." He observed. My heart shattered. How could I not hardly be Alice? I hadn't lost myself over the last two years.

"You're missing part of yourself, it seems." Absolem pointed out.

"I am, Absolem. That's why I've returned. To regain it." I held Dinah closely while I told Absolem part of the truth of why I returned.

"I see. Well. The Cheshire Cat is here to lead you to your heart's desire." Absolem said as he flew away. I turned to watch him go, but then Chess appeared in front of Dinah. Chess was grinning, and had only decided to show his head to me and Dinah.

"Oh! And who is this?" Chess asked me while looking at Dinah. Dinah had took cover in my arms, as if we were preparing to fall down another rabbit hole.

"Dinah, don't be nervous! This is the other cat I told you about! I told you he grins a lot… I had just forgotten he doesn't like to fully appear. And Chess, this is my cat Dinah! This is her first time to Underland." I introduced the two cats to each other. Dinah was still nervous, but seemed a little willing to meet someone new.

"Well it's a pleasure to meet you, Dinah! But, anyways. Alice! It's a pleasure to see you here again! Are you here to stay?" He asked me, except now he was floating around my head, so I couldn't be sure if he was grinning or not.

"Of course, Chess! But I need your help," I told Chess during his float around my head, while looking down at Dinah. "Can you take me to see the Hatter?"

"Coming?" I looked around to see that he had disappeared and was now floating around the entrance of the forest. "I haven't got all day to wait for you!" Chess shouted as his whole body appeared.

"Yes!" I ran towards Chess with Dinah still in my arms. My heart started to beat twice as fast; I would soon see the Hatter. And that's all I wanted right now.

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A/N: Next chapter should be up later today! :) I can't promise you all, but there's a very good & likely chance that it will happen.


	3. One Step Closer

**_One Step Closer_**

"Chess! Wait up, please!" I shouted to the giant cat's retreating form. I collapsed onto the damp ground, not even caring if Chess had heard me. I had been sprinting after his vanishing form for nearly a half an hour, before using all of my energy. He would appear in one place, and when I had finally managed to reach that part, Chess had managed to disappear to the tree thirty feet away. So exhausting.

Dinah mewed tiredly a good five feet away from me, and continued to hobble over to me. I had been so caught up with actually catching up to Chess, that I had forgotten about Dinah.

"I am so sorry Dinah…" I mumbled weakly, when she had finally reached me. I scratched her behind her ears, hoping she would forgive me later.

"Well? Are you coming Alice?" Chess's head appeared by the next tree, which was a good five feet away from where I had stopped moving.

"I'll find my own way to the Hatter, Chess." I complained to the floating head, finding comfort in the moist dirt to my aching muscles. Even though I could believe in impossible things, keeping up with Chess was surely not one of them. I could feel my eyes starting to drift shut, but before I could gain relief from this gesture, a surprisingly heavy thing plopped into my lap. Startled, I glance down to see Chess comfortably sprawled out on my lap.

"I remember when you were seven, Alice. You were lost, and alone on this very path, and you were so upset until I showed you a short cut to get to where you wanted to go. Do you remember, Alice?" Chess smiles up at me, obviously pleased at the recollection.

"Of course I do, Chess." I smile fondly down at him. "But I suppose you wouldn't have any short cut to get to the Hatter, would you?" I straightforwardly ask him, ignoring Dinah's weak protest from my side.

"Always to the point you are, dear Alice." Chess sighs, and quickly floats away from me into the air around me. "But unfortunately, I do not. If you want to see the Hatter, you must take the slow path." As if to accentuate his comment, Chess slowly floats towards the nearest tree in the forest. I sigh, same old Chess. Though it really shouldn't surprise me by this point.

Reluctantly, I lifted myself off of the cool ground, and slowly but surely, continued to walk forwards. Only a few more steps, at least I wished for that many, till I was able to see Tarrant again. What a peculiar thing, to willingly choose to stay away from him for two years. I shook it off, focusing on the past was not helpful, and I just needed to stay focused on the present. On being able to feel at home without a worry about public appearance and familiarize once more with Underland.

I suddenly remembered that I didn't know where Dinah was. I was just so used to looking after myself when I was here, that I had forgotten about looking after Dinah while lost in my thoughts. But after frantically searching up and down around the trees, I found that I hadn't needed to worry: Chess was giving her a ride on his invisible back. And boy, do they certainly look cozy together.

"Chess?" I murmured, quiet as I've ever been. Chess turned his head back, obviously a little annoyed that I had interrupted his silent conversation with Dinah. "How… How has the Hatter been, since I've left?" I shyly looked away from his eyes, not quite sure what I was expecting to hear. What I did or did not want to know. I clasped my hands behind my back, and fiddled my thumbs.

Silence greets me. I glanced up to see that now Chess is avoiding my eyes at any costs. Something inside me tells me that this is not a topic he had been expecting to hear from me. Well, it should have been obvious.

"Chess? Tell me." I order in a louder voice, focusing my eyes into a well trained glare.

"You want the truth, Alice?" He waits for my nod of confirmation. "I never get involved in others' relationships." He grins widely and continues to float forward above the path. My mouth slightly falls open in disbelief at this and for a second I'm dumbfounded. I become still as I wait for Chess to say more, he always does.

"Truth be told, I love involving myself with these kinds of things." He smirked deviously, and started to float around my head in circles, threatening to make me completely dizzy. "If you want to know more, just continue to follow me dear Alice."

With that, Chess and Dinah made their way deeper into the forest without a glance back, weaving a complicated path that almost made me want to stay behind and find my own way to the Hatter. Tempting, but memories of emerald eyes looking at me lovingly sealed the deal for me.

"Wait up you two!" I called to their backs, and pushed my legs to chase after them. I was desperate to learn all I could about the Hatter and what he had been up to during my years of absence.

If only I had been a little more hesitant, a tad more reluctant, maybe what had happened next wouldn't have happened.

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A/N: Sorry it's so short guys! But next chapter will be the usual length, guarenteed! :) Hope you guys liked this chapter anyways & I hope you're all having good weeks!


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